Cosmic Laws of Dating

So my girlfriend sent me the following joke:

Shrek, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lopez were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?

Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the hottest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'

Jennifer Lopez agreed. 'I'm told I'm the sexiest of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to approach the Wicked Queen's mirror to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Brad Pitt was the hottest and Jennifer Lopez was the sexiest.

They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it 's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'

Brad Pitt followed and boasted, 'It is true, it has been confirmed that I am the hottest man alive!!'

Jennifer Lopez walked in; head bent, tears in her eyes and asked,"Who the Heck is Lorraine Flett?"

Which was sweet and funny. And it reminded me of my Saturday night... to which I wrote back to her:

Thank you so much... I was at a house party for Valentine's with Anthony and had the hottest guy tell me "you're so radiant, I need sunglasses!" Funny thing is I didn't even hear him. It was only when Anthony and I were on our way to another party that Anthony asked me, "does that line work in the straight world?"

At the next party (Bootie), I was taking a break from dancing when a guy came up and told me my "posture and stature were awesome," followed by another who simply high fived me! Then there was another who followed me around like a puppy – we actually smooched for a minute (hey, it was Valentine's after all!), but then I joined the line at the ladies and lost him...

I'm telling you... It's because I am not available. If I was looking for a man, no-one would have looked twice... (My man was working.)

I might just have to blog this, so here it is...

Is there some cosmic law that says men only notice you when you're not looking? And are there others I should know about?

And for the Gentlemen...

I wouldn't want any male readers of this little blog to feel left out, so here's an abridged version of a Woman's 50 Rules for Men:

1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. If guy's night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
4. If guy's night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: no petting.
5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
6. Ditto for is she prettier than me?
7. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
8. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
9. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
10. Dishsoap is your friend.
11. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
12. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
13. Answering "Who was on the phone? with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
14. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
15. Two words: clean socks.
16. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
17. Burping is not sexy.
18. You're wrong.
19. You're sorry.
20. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
21. Ditto for your discourse on football.
22. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
23. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
24. Don't assume PMS does not exist.
25. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 pm.
26. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
27. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
28. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
29. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
30. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
31. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
    
32. Call.
33. Don't lie.
34. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.
    

Buzz, buzz, buzz....

The irony of having a zillion things to blog about is that I can't find the time to blog about them... and then I come across a handy-dandy list and feel compelled to share, especially in light of recent experiences, which, I might add, I am so totally over. I have learned that a) if the guy says he's an idiot, believe him; b) if he says you're too good for him, believe him; and c) if he says he's wasting your time, move on!

So, here, my lovely ladies is a Woman's Little Instruction Book (to be taken with a grain of salt):

1. Never do housework. No man every made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
2. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
3. Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in nappies.
4. What to do you if your boyfriend walks out? Shut the door.
5. The reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
6. Go for younger men. You might as well ~ they never mature anyway.
7. Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.
8. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
9. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
10. Women don't make fools of men ~ most of them are the do-it-yourself type.
11. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
12. The children of Israel wondered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.
14. Remember, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
16. The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a "former boyfriend."