Here's the list I actually live by:
A Woman Should Have:
- One old love she can imagine going back to... and one who reminds her how far she has come...
- Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to...
- Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an an hour...
- A youth she's content to leave behind...
- A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...
- A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lacy bra...
- One friend who makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
- A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
- Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guest feel honored...
- A feeling of control over her destiny.
Every Woman Should Know:
- How to fall in love without losing herself... how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...
- When to try harder... and when to walk away...
- That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...
- That her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over...
- What she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
- How to live alone, even if she doesn't like it...
- Whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...
- Where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods... when her soul needs soothing...
- What she can and cannot accomplish in a day... a month... a year.
I wouldn't want any male readers of this little blog to feel left out, so here's an abridged version of a Woman's 50 Rules for Men:
- Call.
- Don't lie.
- If guy's night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
- If guy's night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: no petting.
- The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
- Ditto for is she prettier than me?
- Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
- Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
- Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
- Dishsoap is your friend.
- Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
- Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
- Answering "Who was on the phone? with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
- Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
- Two words: clean socks.
- Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
- Burping is not sexy.
- You're wrong.
- You're sorry.
- She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
- Ditto for your discourse on football.
- Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
- Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
- Don't assume PMS does not exist.
- Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 pm.
- Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
- Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
- If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
- Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
- Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
- Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
- Call.
- Don't lie.
- The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.
The irony of having a zillion things to blog about is that I can't find the time to blog about them... and then I come across a handy-dandy list and feel compelled to share, especially in light of recent experiences, which, I might add, I am so totally over. I have learned that a) if the guy says he's an idiot, believe him; b) if he says you're too good for him, believe him; and c) if he says he's wasting your time, move on!
So, here, my lovely ladies is a Woman's Little Instruction Book (to be taken with a grain of salt):
- Never do housework. No man every made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
- Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
- Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in nappies.
- What to do you if your boyfriend walks out? Shut the door.
- The reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
- Go for younger men. You might as well ~ they never mature anyway.
- Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.
- Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
- Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
- Women don't make fools of men ~ most of them are the do-it-yourself type.
- The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
- The children of Israel wondered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
- Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.
- Remember, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.
- Sadly, all men are created equal.
- The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a "former boyfriend."
So I took down the post about the commitmentphobe who dissed me... 'cos really, I'm not Samantha. As my facebook account confirms, I'm more like Carrie, and as Frank just pointed out, I should be thankful I haven't been arrested for smoking pot because my boyfriend broke up with me over a post it!
Actually, I'm grateful I made it home safely last night after beaucoup tequila at Beretta, which is fabulous. Check out my review on Yelp!
And, if you haven't already ~ go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDOuSl5mF90 and watch the trailer for Mismo:)
While going about my business to publicize an event I developed to promote earthquake preparedness in Southern Nevada, I came across this website ~
Welcome to WhyWasIDissed.com where your dating/relationship mysteries are solved, or at least investigated to the fullest extent of your past lover’s maturity. We are on a mission to solve the most bewildering dating mysteries. We offer the opportunity to get an honest answer about something that has been on your mind and consuming your time through an objective, independent, third party.
And, if all else fails, they even have a dating doctor!
And, no... I am not about to start an investigation.
